Dancing makes me laugh in a way I can’t possibly describe. It’s like being tickeld on the inside with a billowing smile, that blows up my chest in a chuckle.

When I dance I experience peace in the mesmeric smiles, emanating from the people watching.

When I don’t dance I’m a woman.
Naked in horror.
Running the streets.
Flesh falling from her.

I don’t care to describe the faces of those that bare witness.

I just dance.

I don’t know how, but somehow I am a muslim.  There is Islamic prayer in my chest and Sufi Whirling in my smile.  I don;t know how, but its inside me, bursting to be out.

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In my mind I am Lara Croft. I look great in rubber trousers, hop, skip and jumping, goddess like into everything.

With a big grin and great tits 🙂

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I got it


I am the most potent form of this matters expression of its’ self.
I am this, matter experienced at its most potent.

And in this experience of myself there is a most potent expression of the most potent expression, my Buddha hood.

A central key, spinning in a helicopter wheel. The pinacle of potency. Connecting to the pits of hell, aware and full with all things, equal and opposing.

A singing bowl of all knowingness. Light shining at the centre of a knowing spinning wheel. Low entropy.

At peace with all things in existance, spinning & smiling.

For this to occur all things must be known, peacefully.
I’ve been working on this 🙂

Remebering I am an expression of myself, existing.

An expression of me, within many experiences of existances of myself. The matter and source of all being.

My heart unedited, again 🙂

When I write I am alive with life. In the experience of all of existance. Breathing in soft blue clouds, pulsing. It is life, and I weave, breathing within it.

A goddess, in skyblue threads, at ease with my creation.

Unraveling myself through me, a universe. Matter tumbling over itself, voluptuosly, silent thundery, rumbling. 🙂

ME @ the pinnacle of ALL experience.

I reached up and I reached down, now I reach out, with all I discovered.

Open hearted arms.

& Existance.

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I am the creator

Of it ALL.
Including the ego drama of my shadow self, exploring the shadow self !

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When she was told I wanted to kill her that was the death.

The end of our relationship, our trust and her ability to lean on the uncondtional heart of her Mother, being loved. No knife was necessary, the words spoken slaughtered us.

There is a shame in the words being wrong, as they tore at us non the less.

Why were you surpised that her head spun ?

And what did you expect her Mother to look like afterwards ?

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Captain’s Log


I was told they were human. The most advanced species of all. Which meant they cared for each other, spoke truthfully, and when they smiled it was because they were happy. Either these creatures I called humans are not human or ?

So far my explorations have failed to yield evidence of their existance. Hope is dwindling. It’s dark and the temperature is dropping.

I hear them shuffling outside, and wonder how to proceed with these robots, if at all. They are little more than features on the landscape. Cold, grey, frightened, creatures, feeding each other bullshit.

What happened to these people. How did it come to this ? Where is their heart beat ?

Who stole it and how ?

I hear them gossiping, pointing their boney fingers. Whispering that I’d  been abducted by aliens. I was not. However I find myself giving this notion serious contemplation. Enquiring of the ethers, was I abducted ?

Or dumped ?

In America I see signs that the overall consciousness is evolving. There’s some hope that we’re not going to self-destruct in the near future. Would you please comment?

Man is coming to a very unique point from where a quantum leap will be possible. The human consciousness has not changed for many centuries — it has remained the same. Some individuals, few and far between, have evolved: a buddha, a christ, a krishna, a zarathustra, but they are exceptions; they are not the rule.

Very rarely has a human being taken the quantum leap — jumped beyond humanity, surpassed humanity — but they have paved the way. By and by, slowly… the work has been hard, the work has been slow. For at least ten thousand years, many pathfinders have been trying to create a possibility for a breakthrough — not for individuals but as a human consciousness as such, so that the whole humanity can have a quantum leap.

The moment is coming closer, because for the first time, particularly in the west, the society has come to such a state where it is feasible, it is practical. Otherwise in the east people have lived in such starvation — how to think about consciousness?

People have been so poor that the very idea of consciousness seems to be very far away — a fiction, luxurious, aristocratic. Maybe a few rich people can talk about it, can sit and argue about it, but the greater mass cannot even understand the word; it has no connection with them.

For that quantum leap a certain affluence was needed, and it has happened in America. That affluence has happened and society has created a stage where poverty is no more the rule and people can afford to think of higher things.

People can become starry-eyed, can become lotus-eaters, can close their eyes and gaze upon their navels. The possibility has come and the frustration also….

The society has evolved materially. The more material affluence has come, the more spiritual poverty has become clear in contrast. So, on one hand richness — on another hand an inner poverty. It hurts! When you are poor outside and inside too, it doesn’t hurt — because the contrast is missing; you cannot compare. Poverty just seems to be the fate.

But when one becomes rich outside, then the idea arises, “Why can I not become rich in the inside too? Why not? If society can come to such a rich, beautiful status, why can consciousness not come to the same?” Hence the great exploration.The new generation is throbbing, and the momentum Will grow more and more. By the end of this century a great door is going to open. It is not absolutely certain that man may not miss it — man may miss it. It is just an opportunity, a possibility, but it has never been greater than it is today.
The coming twenty years are going to be of constantly accelerating momentum.
They will drive many people crazy because no one will be able to live comfortably because a great longing will arise in every soul. It will be almost like fire — it will burn people.

Many will go astray. Just trying to find out some way, many will find wrong ways, will follow wrong people — that’s natural. When people start exploring they explore in all directions. They will explore in all directions. They will explore in meditation, they will explore in drugs too — because one never knows from where the door is going to open.

Many will go crazy, because when people live in a normal way and no great desire hangs over them, nothing can drive them crazy — but when a great desire arises, it is maddening.

Very few will be able to long for it that deeply and yet remain sane — it will be a turmoil, such a chaos. But the days are going to be very thrilling. It is going to happen more and more every day — more and more people will be coming to recognise that something remains unfulfilled and has to be fulfilled.

They will seek all sorts of methods and possibilities and all sorts of gurus and pseudo-gurus will be there. But that is natural — it cannot be prevented. And even those pseudo gurus help, because sooner or later you get fed-up with them and you start looking for the real. So even the pseudo has some function, some purpose to But America is going to be the focal point of that quantum leap. Right… your observation is right — prepare yourself for it!
What Is , Is, What Ain’t, Ain’t,Chapter 24

I see the news headlines now. A letter to Santa sweeps the nation, faster than Susan Boyle’s Christmas number one, delivered by special Santa courier.

Interest in spirituality, Hula hooping, tantra, creative expression, freedom, truth, restoration of humanity, nature and life, is sweeping the nation thanks to Paulo Coelho and a letter from a mystery Ann Frank diarist, and dancing witch.

Millions shout from the rooftops “Life as we know it may never be the same. ” Thanks to the Americans and their brilliance in marketing absolutly anything, including mesmeric life enhancing hula hoops and the stories that accompany them 🙂

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 Email to Barrister Nov 29 2010

I am trying to raise money so that my solicitor can contact you to request that you work with me.
In the meantime I would appreciate you being aware of what is possibly an illegal action I have taken in order to protect and evidence myself publicly. 
This email may seem strange and inappropriate, but I am trying my best.
Thank you

Nov 29 2010
Dear Dr  
You recently assessed me following my daughter being informed that I was psychotic and murderous, by her school teacher.
The family court proceedings were diabolical and my daughter was removed from my care on a care order made by a social worker who herself informed me that she was making it to obtain control over both the court guardian and solicitors.  That she did not know what to put on the care order so trawled my psychology report to come up with something.
My daughter was then removed from my care on the grounds that I had cried during an assessmet, had unusual yet undefined spiritual beliefs but that non the less they were damaging to children.  Whilst finally because I stated my daughter had been abused I lacked insight into children.  Deeming me unfit to parent my child, despite her having performed excellently in all arenas of her life until September 2008. And despite my lifelong professional career in dealing with abused children, and my human right to cry when my family is wiped out, and uphold my own spiritual practice
My barrister resigned prior to the final hearing stating Meryl teacher had made a partial admission of abuse, which all legal representatives at court agreed upon, that the court bundle evidenced abuse but unless I accepted accountability for my daughters petrficiation and resultant responses following a brutal conversation with her school teacher, that he would resign.
My daughter is rightfully extremly confused as to what is lawful, abusive, professional malpractice and malfeasance, not to mention what mental illness is.
Could you please do my daughter the service of allowing her to know that according to your professional opinion I am not and was never mentally ill.  Affording her some possibility of rectifying this horrific life destroying trauma, as two years on she still believes I am ill and the professionals have acted appropriatly, which thy categoricly have not.
Presently I sleep behind my sofa so that I may be witnessed by my neighbours at night as both police and doctors repeatedly turn up at my door at all hours of the night to assess whether I am about to commit a crime or am mentally ill.  I have incurred injuries from these visits.  I have yet to have been charged with being ill or criminal either yet am still prejudicially treated and assaulted in my own home as a consequence of this situation and the absolute unwillingness of any professional to deal with it appropriatly.
I would appreciate your assistance in informing mydaughter that in your appropriatly qualified opinion I have never been mentally ill.  Whilst additionally it is an approrpiate and psychologicly sound response to have emotional reactions to such diabolical life events as these.
Thank you
Susan Holland
Her email address
 CC :MP, GP,DR K, solicitor, local magazine, , NHS copmlaints, fitness to practice, friend, accountant.

Date: Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 1:15 PM
To: Dr. 

I would also like to add that my daughter has been counselled by NHS counsellors who have repeatedly refused to work with me and have acted upon false information coming from many sources that I am mentally ill and dangerous.
It is detrimental to counsel a child on facts that are categorically wrong, whilst causing further damage to an already traumatised psyche, leaving a gap in my relationship with myself and my child that is impossible to bridge. Leaving her believing this situation is right.  AND WITHOUT A MOTHER, OR AVAILABLE PARENT.
I have never been mentally ill, nor acted in any way damaginG to my child.  Since the inappropriate,wrongful, abusive and negligent inclusion of services in my life, my family my health and my life have been wiped out.
I do not have the basic human rights to safety in my own bed at night
I do not have a basic standard of living including heating and nutrition.
I am unable to get out of my own home as I am weak, unconscious and anxious.  And NO assistance is offered from any source in dealing with the provision of basic human care.  Food, safety and warmth.
Whilst my ability to assist my daughter and my family and social circuit in dealing with this fabricated and life destructive situation is impaired and denied at every turn.  my physical health is deteriorating, I make myself known and heard almost every day yet I am literaly dying infront of professionals eyes because a teacher said I was schizophrenic and all hell broke loose.
I am not and never was.  I would appreciate appropriate assistance and safety for myself and my child.
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